Let's take it from the top

I took a year to grieve everything.

All of it, the full extent, once I knew. The unmaking of me. The painful discovery of truths through it. The knowledge that who I am today could never have been without my experiences, despite how painful some of them were.

I held the anger from the old bad and the loss of the old good, one in each hand. I learned to sit with them both and accept and understand the whole.

I took a year and I grieved for my old truth, the great lie. A life that I never actually had. A lie I spun for myself, which I made out of years of truths and that others told me.

That’s why it was so strong. I wove it myself, determined to be good. To meet expectations and stay in line. To cut off unacceptable parts of me, piece by piece. To convince myself that there is no war in Ba Sing Se.

I worked so hard to believe that. I did my utter best.

And then I accepted one day that I couldn’t live with the lie I told myself anymore. I started to change my life, choice by painful choice, and eventually made it all the way here to where I am now.

I can honestly say that I have peace in my life that I never felt before. I’m content. I’m okay with where I’m at right now. I’ll accept change as it comes, and in the meantime, I’m just grateful to be here.

This chance that I get now is worth everything it took for me to get here.

I’m glad I’m free. I’m glad I’m here for myself now, no matter what the future holds. I’m glad I get to be here for so many others, too, now, because it’s such a gift of trust. Every connection I get to make is my genuine honor.

Community and radical honesty and slow, gentle authenticity are such a joy now in my life. I’m grateful for every person who’s helped me find my way.

Now that I don’t have to be a highly controlled version of myself, I can instead be my, honest, authentic whole. All of me is safe and welcome here.

So is all of you. I love you. I’m so grateful you exist. I hope you take a moment to just breathe and be kind to yourself today, in whatever way you can.

(and because I’m me, and it’s my brand, DRINK SOME WATER!!!!! 🚰)