Let's take it from the top

Found some of my homework from high school apologetics class and the “don’t lose your faith in college to this list of dangerous ‘isms’” book

I hated doing them and I tried to take them as little seriously as possible, but I definitely thought some of them at least made sense because these definitions were the only definitions I was given for these concepts. I wasn’t taught philosophy or logic courses, only common logical fallacies and how to reason through problems and logic games. I didn’t know SO MUCH. It’s hard to remember the feelings and headspace of this time period where I had already met some people outside the bubble I was in and liked them but how much I had no idea that I was even allowed to challenge things I was told to believe or taught as how the world was.

It’s just weird. It’s hard and it’s weird and it’s confusing and my memory is so blended because of dissociation and flashbacks and periods of time where I’m different ages and versions of myself that it’s a mess, but I want to share things like this because I know sometimes it can make a big difference for someone else who’s questioning or confused but can’t even put words to what feels wrong to them.

I’m so ashamed of things I did for so many years. I know I shouldn’t be because 1) I never acted on prejudices or disgust unlike some people I know, because it ALWAYS felt wrong to me, and 2) I didn’t have a CHOICE over what ideology bubble I was RAISED IN, and 3) I literally didn’t know better then. but like. GOD.

all the way up through the summer before college, there was SO much dissonance between what I felt was the right way to act and what I knew was expected and appropriate. and the cognitive dissonance has continued all the way up to today, as well, just at a lower level. it’s so confusing to sort through