Let's take it from the top

(from late 2023)

the process that continues to take up my entire life and shows no sign of slowing:

I practice trusting my body or inclination/instinct —>

I am handed the most bullshit discomfort or sensations —>

I ride it out and continue to practice trusting the experience and trusting my own timing —>

after I prove that I’m trying to trust correctly and that I myself am trustworthy my brain hands me insight or a memory I haven’t been able to access in years —>

I am honored and grateful and work to integrate it and am proud of myself for taking one more step towards trusting myself when a couple years ago I said “oh NO! of course not!” when a therapist asked if I trusted myself. hashtag progress baby. —>

I get some pain relief and some of my old coordination and ribcage and ballet-movement ability back —>

I am thrilled about the moving and the trusting and the gaining —>

I forget how much the process actually drives me crazy —>

I walk facefirst eagerly into another round of it, lulled by the glow of success —>

my entire brain gets hijacked again —>

my body starts giving me sensations to ask if I’m willing to trust its timing —>

I push down the urge to lie facedown on the floor and instead accept whatever the fuck my body needs me to acknowledge and process now —>

rinse and repeat. —>

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existence is so weird. I shouldn’t be alive I shouldn’t be alive I shouldn’t be alive. yet here I am after all.

there’s a lot to process and catch up on.

I gave up on the concept of growing up and having a future at age 9. I accepted death. how do I accept life except by greeting it with wonder over and over and over every day and accepting why my body can show me?

(this is not the current realization by the way. that’s private as usual. this is just something else I’ve been reflecting on lately)